Holding the Line: Learning to Contain Ourselves So We Can Connect with Others
Imagine a beautiful, expansive garden filled with grasses, streams, trees, birds, flowers, and all kinds of living creatures. It is a serene place where the sights, sounds, and fragrances fill your soul with joy. This is a space where you can wander, explore, and truly feel at home—a safe haven to be yourself.
Now, picture a fence surrounding this garden.
When you visualize it, is the fence meant to keep things out, or is it there to contain what’s inside?
Historically, when I think about boundaries, similar to the fence I just mentioned, I have always viewed them as something I need to establish to keep external influences at bay. They serve as a structure to manage the impact of others on my life, drawing a line that communicates, "This is where you need to stop."
But what if boundaries are less about exclusion and more about containment?
From External Line to Inner Container
A boundary is a line that marks the limits of an area; it serves as a dividing line. At its core, a boundary has always been about designating an edge. It is not necessarily a wall but rather a marker of identity and separation, often related to land, space, and personhood.
Boundaries are not just limits; they clarify space, mark presence, and often serve as prerequisites for relationships. In personal and spiritual contexts, a boundary distinguishes what belongs to you and what does not—whether that be emotionally, energetically, or spiritually.
I used to believe that I needed to establish boundaries to keep certain people or their behaviours at bay. Examples of this kind of boundary include saying no to lending money, expressing when I feel disrespected or taken advantage of, setting limits on how late I work or when I am available to check emails, and, in some relationships, asserting that my needs must be met. My focus was primarily on the external—defining boundaries with others.
Recently, however, I began to reconsider the concept of boundaries. I started to ask myself, what if boundaries are not just about others? What if they are also about self-respect and self-containment?
Boundaries as an Act of Love
Henri Nouwen was a Dutch Catholic priest, psychologist, and prolific spiritual writer renowned for his profound reflections on inner life, vulnerability, and the unconditional love of God. I recently discovered his work and have read two of his books, The Wounded Healer and The Inner Voice of Love, both of which deeply moved me.
The Inner Voice of Love is Henri Nouwen’s deeply personal journal, written during one of the most challenging periods of his life. It offers raw and intimate reflections on pain, healing, and the journey towards spiritual wholeness. Through reading this book, I began to see boundaries in a new light.
One particular passage resonated with me:
Set Boundaries to Your Love
“When people show you their boundaries ("I can't do this for you"), you feel rejected. You cannot accept the fact that others are unable to do for you all that you expect from them. You desire boundless love, boundless care, boundless giving.
Part of your struggle is to set boundaries to your own love - something you have never done. You give whatever people ask of you, and when they ask for more, you give more, until you find yourself exhausted, used, and manipulated. Only when you are able to set your own boundaries will you be able to acknowledge, respect, and even be grateful for the boundaries of others.
In the presence of the people you love, your needs grow and grow, until those people are so overwhelmed by your needs that they are practically forced to leave you for their own survival.
The great task is to claim yourself for yourself, so that you can contain your needs within the boundaries of your self and hold them in the presence of those you love. True mutuality in love requires people who possess themselves and who can give to each other while holding on to their own identities. So, in order both to give more effectively and to be more self-contained with your needs, you must learn to set boundaries to your love.”
I have come to view boundaries not as a fence to keep others out but as a container to keep myself in.
I tend to pour my heart and soul into new endeavours whenever they capture my interest. Whether it’s new relationships, projects, or hobbies, if something resonates with me, I dive in wholeheartedly. In some ways, this approach serves me well, as it allows me to acquire new knowledge, learn new skills, and expand my experiences. However, I often give too much of myself to these pursuits, to the extent that I hand over my power and expect them to replenish me.
Reading Nouwen’s quote was a real "Aha!" moment for me. I realized that to love myself fully, I needed to establish boundaries on how much I give to others. I had to prioritize my own needs, respect myself, and honour my heart first. Draining my essential resources—love, thoughtfulness, creativity, and effort—led to feelings of fear, anxiety, and scarcity. On the other hand, honouring my own boundaries has enabled me to avoid excessive giving.
When we give beyond our limits, love becomes a performance rather than a true gift.
The Line Between Self and Other
In her book Rising Strong, Dr. Brené Brown powerfully states, “Boundaries are simply the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.”
I have to admit that, even though I've read this quote several times, its true meaning didn't resonate with me until recently. For some reason, I had been overlooking the part about "the distance at which I can love me."
Genuine connection occurs at the edge—at a point where you can reach out to someone else without abandoning yourself.
Not everyone wants to receive love in the same way. All too often, we assume that others want to receive love and care in the way we naturally give it. Genuine care, both for ourselves and for others, involves learning what others need to feel loved and then figuring out how to meet those needs while remaining grounded and authentic in the love we give ourselves. This is the edge: when each person can hold their own love while also reaching out to love another.
When we give too much, reach too far, or hustle too hard, we stop loving ourselves. Instead, we are offering, reaching, and hustling for our worth. As a result, our capacity to love might overflow and start to harm our relationships. We can become possessive, controlling, demanding, and lost. This is a precarious situation that usually doesn’t end well for either party.
Being Sustained from Within
When I set a boundary around my love and prioritize loving myself first, I am better equipped to love others. Instead of approaching a relationship with an empty bucket that needs to be filled, I focus on filling my own bucket first. I replenish it by paying attention to my needs—rest, prayer, nature, creativity—and once I feel full, I can begin to give back to others. It ensures I offer from a place of wholeness. A place where nothing is required in return.
This is what makes unconditional love possible. Without loving myself first, all love becomes conditional because I expect and need something in return. I acknowledge that this is also why it's helpful to believe in a higher source—be it God, the creator, Source, Allah, or the Tao—that sustains us in love regardless of our circumstances.
When we connect with that universal love, we begin to build our inner resources to draw upon. It shifts our focus from seeking what’s “out there” to coming back to what’s “in here.”
Holding Love, Not Hustling for It
Reflecting on the image of a garden, I used to envision the landscape beyond the garden wall as something lush and desirable that I longed to possess. However, I now realize that my own side of the fence is vibrant, thriving, and full of life. By nurturing my own garden, I can create a beautiful oasis to which I can return time and again for rest and rejuvenation.
The fence is not merely a wall; it is a sacred structure that allows for connection. It is not about exclusion but about containment. I will no longer feel the need to disappear in order to connect with or love others. Instead, I will remain within my garden and invite others to enter as far as they feel comfortable.
This is where we draw the line—not to divide but to deepen our roots. In learning to hold ourselves, we learn to love more freely.
In what areas of your life do you need to stop giving so much of yourself to others and start nurturing yourself with love?
I would love to hear your thoughts, so please leave your comments below or send me a message. I would love to connect.
With warmth & gratitude,
Brooke.
