Searching for Jasmine : The Shift
Part 4 of a series exploring spiritual trauma and my journey towards healing
Author’s Note: This article is part of the Searching for Jasmine series, which chronicles my healing journey from spiritual trauma related to my sexual orientation. While I reference God and Christian beliefs, I understand these topics can be triggering for some within the LGBTQ2S+ community. Though raised in a Christian setting, I no longer follow any single religion’s teachings. Instead, I am a student of spirituality, exploring various religions and philosophies to connect with my true Self. I invite you to join me on this journey, but please follow your path and do what feels right for you.
I had taken road trips by myself before. In my early 20s, I drove my fickle Mazda Protegé to Tofino, British Columbia, for a weekend of surfing. The scent of saltwater mingled with the crisp coastal air as I lived and slept in my car by night and surfed the gentle waves of Cox Bay by day. This was a year after graduating from university and returning home to Canada.
Ten years later, I found myself embarking on a similar journey, but this time, I wasn't chasing waves of adventure—I was chasing waves of healing. I had just ended a seven-year relationship, moved in with my brother, and found myself navigating life through a period of great uncertainty. It seemed like the perfect time for a road trip. With a heavy heart and a cluttered mind, I packed my steady SUV and set out on the road, hoping to find discovery and peace. The journey stretched south towards Montana, through Yellowstone National Park, across the vast plains of Wyoming, and finally to Boulder, Colorado, nestled at the base of the Rocky Mountains.
Why Boulder, CO, you may ask? For that, we need to rewind the story a bit.
A year earlier, a friend—who would become my wife four years later—introduced me to a video that had been filmed at TEDxHouston in 2010 and was now going viral. A little-known professor from the University of Houston was skyrocketing to fame with a TEDx talk entitled The Power of Vulnerability.
That moment in 2010 would be the catalyst that would launch Brené Brown into the popular culture atmosphere of personal development and leadership, and whose video has gone on to be one of the most successful TED talks to date with over 65 million views. Watching that video in 2012 awoke something in me. It felt deeply emotional and significant. I knew deep down that I was still hiding who I really was, and this moment became the catalyst of my own journey to reconnecting with myself and rediscovering who I wanted to be in, as Mary Oliver so stirringly puts it, my one wild and precious life.
In my early 20s, my world was shaped by university life and the upheaval of my parents' divorce. Coming back home, I spent a few years trying to find my footing—a stable job, a place to call home. At the same time, I was navigating what it meant to be open about my sexual orientation. Redefining my relationships with family and friends felt like walking a tightrope. I was diving into the LGBTQ community, trying to find my place and steady myself amid all the changes.
By my late 20s, I had a good career, a steady partner, and my own home. Shifting from the disappointing end of my softball career, I focused on building success. I devoured SUCCESS Magazine, tracked 'Top 30 Under 30' lists, and read extensively on finance and business, aiming to 'be someone' while caring for those around me.
Through all of this I could never shake the deep loneliness that had settled in my heart years earlier. I was haunted by how I had hurt people and had been hurt. I also felt a deep sense of shame, which I would soon come to understand through Brené Brown’s work.
Dr. Brown defines shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and unworthy of love and belonging-something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.”
I had felt this shame throughout my childhood. I felt deeply flawed and unworthy of love and belonging from those around me and from the greater presence that I knew at the time as God. My experiences through university only solidified those feelings of shame as I felt once again cast out of any meaningful community that I found.
In my 20’s, and deep in my shame, I had built a solid layer of armour around me and let very few people get close. My tolerance for vulnerability was limited and the dating scene used up all I could tolerate. I kept myself closed off and shut down to any newcomers, limiting what I could give to existing family and friends. I had my people, but I also continued to hide myself from the world.
This new friend that I met in 2012 could obviously sense this and offered The Power of Vulnerability to me as a resource. To say that video changed my life is an understatement. I was on a path of disconnection from others, but most importantly disconnection with my authentic self. I was living to please others and not for myself, creating anxiety and loneliness along the way. That TEDx talk gave me a new light, new language, and introduced me to a new way of being. I needed to learn more.
I dove deep into Brené’s work, reading every book I could find, watching every video that had surfaced, and listening to every podcast she ever recorded. By May 2012, she had published two books - I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t) (2007) and The Gifts of Imperfection (2010), and her third book, Daring Greatly (2012), was coming out soon.
My road trip to Boulder was driven by the opportunity to attend a six-hour, live audience training course on embracing our imperfections for wholehearted living, which was recorded over one transformative weekend. The final product, recorded for Sounds True, was entitled The Power of Vulnerability : Teachings on Authenticity, Connection, and Courage.
True to Brené's style, the weekend was filled with her trademark stories and warm humor. I laughed, cried, and felt something within me breaking open. To cap it off, I was able to meet Brené, who upon hearing that I had come down from Canada to see her, exclaimed “oh my god, can I give you a hug?!” The intimate learning and personal experience felt surreal, marking a pivotal moment in my journey toward self-discovery.
Looking back on my experiences in my early 20’s, I had made a conscious decision to protect my heart, to stay small when it came to connecting with others, and to throw myself into my career in order to find recognition and validation. Ten years later, I was starting to lean hard into Brené’s teachings on Wholehearted Living, while also starting to explore the work of Tara Brach (Radical Acceptance), Jon Kabat-Zinn (Full Catastrophe Living), and Sharon Salzburg (Loving Kindness). I attended full day meditation sessions and started therapy for the first time in my life.
My focus shifted from 'successful' living to wholehearted living, leading to profound life changes. For the first time since childhood, I reconnected with my true self, exploring what genuinely brought me happiness and fulfillment, rather than chasing external validations.
This journey marked the beginning of a metamorphosis. Like a caterpillar entering its chrysalis, I was dissolving old patterns and creating a new, authentic version of myself. I realized that to truly soar, I needed to unlearn the habits and heal the wounds that had kept me tethered to my past.
The road trip to Boulder was a pivotal moment, but it was merely the start of a deeper, ongoing journey. Brené Brown’s teachings had illuminated a path towards a more authentic, connected life. Ahead lay the work of continually returning to myself, shedding the layers of separation and embracing vulnerability. My search for Jasmine had begun, but finding her would be a lifelong adventure, richer and more meaningful than any road trip I could have ever imagined.
With warmth and gratitude,
Brooke.
