Self-Worth: Remembering What Was Never Lost

I don’t remember where I was or who said it, but recently, someone made a simple yet profound statement: "Having self-confidence is not the same as having self-worth." And in that moment, it hit me.

I had spent years building my confidence, taking on new projects, stepping into different roles, and proving that I was capable. And I was. But when it came to self-worth, it was a different story.

One can feel confident and still not feel worthy. That paradox struck me deeply, and I became curious. How is it possible to appear so sure of oneself on the outside while feeling so unworthy on the inside? Why is self-worth so difficult to hold onto?

Looking back, I can trace the moments when my sense of self-worth and belonging began to crack. At home, I had one deeply attentive, loving parent and another who met all my physical needs but couldn’t meet me emotionally. At school, I felt like an outsider—more at home playing soccer with the boys than in the social circles of girls, yet never fully accepted by either. The boys questioned why I was there, and the girls ignored me altogether.

In church, I heard that gay people were sinners bound for hell. I didn’t yet have the words to define myself, but I knew that whatever they were condemning included me.

High school offered a reprieve. For the first time, I found not just one but two groups of friends where I felt safe and valued. But after graduation, those connections faded when I left for university. There, I struggled once again to belong. Eventually, I did—only to lose those friendships, too, after coming out as gay.

Meanwhile, I excelled in academics and athletics, earning scholarships and awards and playing on high-level teams. From the outside, I seemed capable of anything. But on the inside, my sense of worth had been eroding for years.

In many ways, I have yet to rebuild what I felt I had lost. Although I’ve built a successful career and a full life, I continue to carry the weight of rejection, fear, and unworthiness in my relationships.

So now, I find myself asking the question:

How can I source my approval, belonging, and worth from within?

Photo by Caleb Woods on Unsplash

The Difference Between Self-Confidence and Self-Worth

Self-confidence and self-worth are related but distinct concepts:

• Self-confidence is about belief in your abilities. It comes from experience, practice, and external validation. For example, you might feel confident writing because you’ve received positive feedback or honed your skills over time. It can fluctuate depending on success or failure.

• Self-worth is about inherent value. It’s the deep, internal belief that you are worthy of love, respect, and belonging—regardless of achievements or external validation. It doesn’t depend on what you do but rather on recognizing your intrinsic worth as a person.

A person can have high self-confidence in their skills but still struggle with feelings of self-worth. This is because self-confidence is often influenced by external factors, such as achievements. It can fluctuate based on circumstances and the validation received from others. Self-confidence is more about actions than one's intrinsic value, and it can feel like an endless external hustle.

On the other hand, someone with strong self-worth might lack confidence in a new skill but still recognize their inherent value as a person. Their self-worth is not dependent on what others say or do; it is deeply rooted and more stable. They believe in their own identity and remain resilient in the face of external judgments.

Where Do Our Early Messages About Worth Come From?

When preparing to write this article, I reflected on the question, "What messages did I receive about my worth while growing up?" My experiences could be categorized into three main areas: Family, Friendships, and Religion.

In my family, I had one emotionally available parent and another who was emotionally distant. With the distant parent, I felt I needed to prove my worth or be someone different from my true self. I believed that to be validated, I had to do something. However, I never figured out what that "something" was. As an adult, I now realize there would never have been a definitive answer because my worth was never based on my actions.

Regarding friendships, I always felt like an outsider. There was something about me that felt "different," but I didn't have the understanding or language to articulate it, so I simply felt it. As a result of this experience, when I feel rejection as an adult, I feel deep grief, loneliness, and a pervasive sense of “I’ll never fit in or belong." It’s as if my worth depends on belonging to others—I crave acceptance. When I feel accepted, I can relax, but when I don’t, I panic and feel personally attacked. This pattern traces back to my childhood, adolescence, and early adulthood. The repeated message of "you don't belong" reinforced my feelings of inadequacy.

In terms of religion and my early church community, I also felt a lingering sense of not belonging. Although I cannot pinpoint a specific event, the messages I absorbed week after week seemed to erode my sense of value and worth on a subconscious level. At times, it felt very real to me that God did not accept me at all.

I share these stories not to seek sympathy but to encourage reflection on the messages of worth that we all received during our upbringing. Early experiences can profoundly impact how we function as adults. By understanding where these messages come from, we can confront them on our journeys toward healing and wholeness.

The Illusion of External Validation

In our society, which often celebrates fame, celebrity, awards, and achievements, it is easy to create the illusion that worth must be earned or proven. A couple of years ago, I read Andre Agassi's book "Open". In it, he revealed that despite his incredible accomplishments, he hated tennis and felt completely unfulfilled.

Agassi was driven by external success—titles, endorsements, wealth—but inside, he felt empty and directionless. Even at the height of his career, he struggled with substance abuse and battled depression, realizing that confidence in his abilities did not equate to genuine self-worth. It wasn’t until later in life, when he discovered purpose outside of tennis, particularly in education and philanthropy, that he began to heal and develop a sense of self-worth beyond his achievements.

He is not alone in this experience. We have heard similar stories from others, such as Robin Williams, who faced a tragic battle with depression, and Michael Phelps, who, despite being one of the most decorated Olympians of our time, admitted that after the 2012 Olympics, he fell into a deep depression. Looking for external validation of our self-worth can have disastrous consequences, regardless of who we are or how much we have achieved.

When I find myself caught in the low tides of self-worth, I turn to my spiritual teachers for guidance. Richard Rohr teaches that "There is nothing to prove and nothing to protect. I am who I am, and it's enough." Brené Brown reminds us, "Worthy now. Not if. Not when. We are worthy of love and belonging now—right this minute. As is." And Rumi asks, "Why do you stay in prison when the door is so wide open?"

Once, I asked Love (or Spirit) what it wanted me to know about self-worth. Here is the response I received:

What you perceive as self-worth is merely a construct created in your mind based on the society and culture you were born into. This has nothing to do with your true worth. You, my love, are a gift from God. You are worthy of all love. Why would the Creator make you any other way?

I understand that you often tie your worthiness to the value you provide to others, and at times, you may feel you have nothing to offer. This is simply not true. Just because others do not recognize your value does not mean it isn’t there. Your very existence is enough. Your ability, willingness, and desire to love others, to see them, and to walk with them in their pain are your gifts. This is what the Creator has bestowed upon you for your journey on Earth.

If some choose not to accept your gifts, that is their choice. Love them anyway, and move on. It has nothing to do with your worth.

How to Protect and Cultivate Self-Worth

How can we protect and cultivate a strong sense of self-worth in a world filled with conflicting messages about our worth?

I've started to notice the people, situations, and environments that trigger feelings of unworthiness and exclusion. When I feel this way, I take time to understand the reasons behind it. I examine my intentions and check for any expectations I might have. If I'm engaging in something, hoping to receive acknowledgment or validation, I realize I've lost my way. In those moments, I recognize that I've given my power away to others and need to return to my own path.

Recognizing when I allow others to define my worth is crucial to protecting it. My worth is not for others to determine. If a person, situation, or environment makes me feel like I have to "hustle" for my worth, it either isn't right for me, or I'm not ready for it yet. Here are four additional ways to safeguard our self-worth:

1. Setting Boundaries: Brené Brown says, “When we fail to set boundaries, we feel used and mistreated.” To protect our self-worth, we need to establish and communicate our boundaries to others.

2. Detaching from External Validation: Thich Nhat Hanh teaches, “You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.” Focus on loving and caring for yourself and providing yourself with the recognition you need.

3. Practicing Self-Compassion: bell hooks writes, “Give yourself the love you are waiting to receive from others.” Don’t wait for others to give you love—give it to yourself!

4. Embracing Mindfulness and Presence: Fully engage with yourself and be aware of where you seek validation and where you feel comfortable and connected to yourself.

Implementing these strategies can cultivate a stronger sense of self-worth and true belonging.

Conclusion

“The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are.” — Joseph Campbell

Isn't that a beautiful quote? The privilege of a lifetime is embracing who we are! Our worth is not for sale, no matter how much the outside world tries to convince us otherwise. As both Richard Rohr and Brené Brown teach, there is nothing to prove and nothing to protect. We are worthy just as we are, inherently and innately. Nothing we can earn or validate from outside will replace our deep understanding of this truth.

In my letter to Love (or Spirit), the final message that came through was incredibly powerful:

Be present. Be Love. Believe that you are a gift from God carrying out your earthly mission. You are worthy of love and belonging. You ARE Love. It is not separate from you. You don’t have to earn it or prove your worthiness. YOU ARE LOVE!

My self-worth, and perhaps yours if you're on a similar journey, was never lost; it was only forgotten. Let's stop the hustle and remind ourselves of who we are. We are whole, we are love, and we are enough. We always have been, and we always will be.

With warmth & gratitude,
Brooke.